July 2009
3 posts
Conundrum
Who is the most polished king in the world?
Colossus, of the X-Men.
Conundrum
Why is an author like a Chinaman?
Because he sips coffee in the morning, as he contemplates the paragraph he is about to write. Stymied by the blank white page in front of him, he decides to put off writing for another hour or so, instead procrastinating by cleaning the oven. Later, when his wife asks him how his book is going, he gives a vague answer, and tries to call attention to the...
Conundrum
What did the cheese say to the toasting fork?
“O! I am stabb’d!”
June 2009
28 posts
Conundrum
Why is a kiss like a sermon?
It is delivered by a minister to you, while the congregation watches, feigning interest.
Conundrum
Why is a bashful lover like rice corn?
He is a mutated hybrid of multiple grain crops.
Conundrum
Why are sheep the most dissipated of animals?
Because all sheep are nihilists, acting only for their own momentary pleasure.
Conundrum
If a man gets up on a donkey where should he get down?
On the dance-floor.
Conundrum
When is bread inhabited?
Etiquette demands that bread only be inhabited from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
Conundrum
If a woman were to change her sex why could she no longer be a Christian?
Because of Acts 3:17, which admonishes transexuals thusly: “Let no woman go all FTM, lest she be forced to renounce our LORD and deal with great reams of paperwork at her workplace.” (KJV)
Conundrum
Why is a sneeze like Niagara?
Because it sprays moistness upon my entire face.
Conundrum
What is vinegar without a mother?
Indeed, sir! And for that matter, what is a steak without a pat of butter? Harumph!
Conundrum
If you saw an egg on a music-stool what great poem would it remind you of?
The one that goes, “I think that I shall never see / a poem as lovely as an egg on a music-stool.”
Conundrum
How do we know that Job had a bicycle?
Because he often absentmindedly left one trouser leg rolled up.
Conundrum
What did Lot’s wife turn to— Salted Pillar!
Conundrum
Which are more valuable, women or men?
Men, because they are desired with the same fervency that fish desire new bicycles.
Conundrum
Why isn’t Dewey an admiral any more?
Because he is a loose canon who plays by his own rules, and needs to put up with none of your penny-ante antics just to retain his admiralty.
Conundrum
When is the molasses wedding?
The wedding of Mr. Erich Molasses to Miss Emily Agave-Syrup will be taking place on Friday, June 19th. The couple asks that you bring no gifts, but if you wish to donate to a charity on their behalf, please direct all donations to nationalstickycondimentscouncil.org.
Conundrum
Why is Gillott a very wicked man?
Because deep in his heart, he feels justified in ridiculing the feeble-minded.
Conundrum
When was beef tea first made in England?
During the fourth annual Horrific Contributions To British Cuisine contest, held in 1817.
Conundrum
Where should the American eagle sit in the theater?
On top of a pile of SISSY FRENCHMEN. U-S-A! U-S-A!
Conundrum
When you examine a dog’s lungs under the X ray what do you find?
The residue of doggy-cigarettes.
When looking into a dog’s mouth what do you sometimes find?
Nicotine gum, for the dog is trying to cut back a bit.
Conundrum
Why are the passengers of an electric car like the current?
Because they go ZAAAAP when one touches them.
Conundrum
If a goat should swallow a rabbit what would be the result?
The best hiding-space for a rabbit, ever, in the history of the world.
Conundrum
If you get parasites from Paris and germs from German, what do you get from Ireland?
Irela.
Conundrum
What was it that lived to see Christmas, didn’t see New Years, and died in the Spring?
A calf that was drowned in a spring between Christmas and New Year’s.
Conundrum
What was it that was only four weeks old when Adam was a boy and not five weeks old when he was a man?
Wee Tachyus, the Time-Travelling Infant.
Conundrum
When you see a man scratching his head, what time is it?
Lice o’ clock.
Conundrum
Why cannot the man in the moon get married?
Because of the Defense of Marriage Act. Contact your Senator today about giving moon-men the same rights as the rest of us! Want to sign our petition? E-mail us at TakeAction@freedomtomoonmanmarry.org
Conundrum
What kind of medicine does the iceman take?
Ötzi’s Cold and Flu Syrup.
Conundrum
If a Uneeda biscuit is a soda cracker, what is an ice pick?
The question has a false premise; a Uneeda biscuit is not a soda cracker at all, but a cleverly-disguised piece of bird-food.
Conundrum
Where did Moses’ baby clothes come from?
Baby Town Egypt — for all your egyptian baby needs.
May 2009
30 posts
Conundrum
Why is life like the greatest conundrum?
Because it is long, frightening, and eventually disintegrates the minds of most geriatrics.
Conundrum
What animal would you be on a cold day?
A baleen whale, for its many layers of blubber keep it warm. And also, I cannot stop consuming krill.
Conundrum
What is the difference between a farmer and a sailor?
One plants seeds in the dirt, the other dants pleeds in the sirt.
Conundrum
Why was it decided to sink the Merrimac?
I don’t know, I felt like it. Leave me ALONE. YOU’RE NOT MY DAD!
Conundrum
What was the Chinaman’s opinion of the Spanish war?
这场战争是坏的。
Riddle
What was the color of the “Maine”?
“Exploded Ochre”
Conundrum
Why is Cupid always represented as a baby boy?
Because love screams incessantly for milk.
Conundrum
What is men’s opinion of bloomers?
A proper man should have no opinion about such a garment.
Conundrum
What is the difference between a hen with one wing and a hen with two wings?
Amputation.
Riddle
Q: Why do women carry parasols?
A: They shield women’s heads from the mind-control rays of the House of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha.
Bible riddle
What words in the Bible were not spoken by God, man, angel or devil?
The words PRINTED on the pages of the Bible, for they are not SPOKEN at all! EXACT WORDS, Bible! EXACT WORDS!
Bible riddle
Who is the first boy mentioned in the Bible?
Baby Yahweh, the adorably imaginative creator-demiourgos raised by the stripe-socked Nanny.
Biographical riddle
Q: What brief epitaph can you suggest for Ingersoll’s grave that would satisfy both friends and foes?
A: Visitor to the grave, you look very nice to-day.
Biographical riddle
Q: When an Englishman said to Lincoln: “What was your family coat-of-arms?” he said: “—
A: An homme de barbe sable rampant on a field azure, flanked by fulsome lions gules, unguled or.
Riddle
Why are widows more generous than young girls?
Because they have accumulated more “roses” with which to be “generous.” Interested? Send face pic and stats. NO SINGLE MEN, repeat NO SINGLE MEN
Riddle
Q: How can you ask a doctor of divinity, in one word, to play a violin?
A: “Playtheviolinformepreachermannonotthatsongplayadifferentoneyesthatoneisbetter”
Riddle
Q: Of what trade was Johnnie Horner?
A: A johnhornsman.
Riddle
Q: My first two are what Gladstone wants, my last two are what Gladstone hates; my whole expresses what Gladstone is.
A: Cookie Monster.
Riddle
What is better than an idea?
The contents of the box I hold.